Sunday, June 14, 2015

Reform we can believe in!

Winston Churchill once said that democracy is the worst form of government except for all the others. 

Just look at all the great things about democracy!  Every election cycle, we have the privilege of choosing between candidates running the full spectrum of political opinion, from the authoriarian socialism/fascism of the left, to the authoritarian fascism/socialism of the right!  At the local level, we get to vote for a vast array of inspiring folks running for offices such as County Commissioner, Superintendent of Schools, Superior Court Judge Position 3, Insurance Commissioner, County Assessor, and a whole slew of others who inspire us to shout out loud in a rapturous fit of democratic ecstasy: "Who the hell are all these assholes, and what in god's name does the Assistant Deputy Director of Institutional Masturbation do, anyway?"   

Despite all these wonderful aspects, I think we all agree that democracy could work a lot better.  For instance, no matter how entertaining all the zany campaign hijinks are, or how inspiring the guy running unopposed for Auditor General of Public Lands and Non-tomato-based Condiments is, in the end, we are faced with the horrifying fact that for every office, one of those wastes of DNA in an expensive suit inevitably wins, and has the power to actually do actual stuff to us, and it's all downhill from there.

So here's my proposal to make democracy really work.

  • For each office, in addition to the formal candidates, a space shall be allocated on the ballot for None of the Above.
  • All eligible voters who fail to cast a vote for one of the formal candidates for any office shall be considered to have voted None of the Above for that office.
  • For any election in which None of the Above shall receive more votes than any formal candidate for a particular office, the will of the voters shall be respected, and the office shall remain vacant for the prescribed term.  Office space designated for such an office may be rented out for the duration, for the purposes of storage, arts and crafts, petting zoos, and/or sandwich vendors.
  • Any office which remains so vacated for three successive terms shall be abolished, all record of its existence shall be destroyed, and the occasion shall be celebrated with hot dogs, carbonated drinks, and Star Trek marathons on TV.

I have absolute confidence that in only a few election cycles, our democratic system will be running so smoothly, you'll hardly notice it at all.

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